There has to be more to life than this.

by Margaret Berg

Boston 187

 

I want my life to be something more than just finding the mr or ms right, yet everywhere I turn I find myself thinking about men, about marriage, about kids and the nice cookie cutter life I might have someday. Breaking up with Jerry is one of the hardest things I have ever done. There are times where my decision haunts me, there are times, like now, where I can’t remember why I gave him up- for what? For whom? Yet I sit here and listen to myself and it disgusts me. There has to be more to life than sex… but all I hear myself wine about is men. Its irritating. I want to stop caring about sex so much. Currently I have no actual drive to seek out a partner, I mean, my libido isn’t gone- but it sure as hells suppressed. Yet, while I do not want to have sex with other people, while I do not want to even think about dating because the pain I’m experiencing from breaking up with Jerry is still on the surface, all I seem to hear form myself is boy talk… or complaining- specifically about my job. Not to get all philosophical on everyone’s asses, but isn’t there more than this? As I try to list the things that I can think of that are more important, I think of these: Friends, Family, sometimes artistic expression. When I speak I do not want to hear an unending wail about how I am not ready to date, or how I miss Jerry, or how work sucks and some of the people at it suck. I am becoming a very bitter person. I’m not sure how the hell I got this way, but I’m sick of it. When I speak I want to be interesting, have something good to say, have experiences to input. I want to strive toward something- I’m not sure what, but I know I want to work at it. I want to drown myself in all my interests- stop thinking about men, sex, babies and start thinking about learning french, painting, taking my dog on walks. Hobbies. Interests. Information. These are all things that are more important than fucking, more important than physical relationships. I want more friendships, real friends- the kind that make me bark laughter at the world. I need more friends here. Because I think I’m not only irritating myself- but I’m irritating the friends I have as well.

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